Before the adoption I had big plans of being honest in our blog and with people about how things really looked and felt inside our home. I read other blogs like Jen Hatmakers, who writes it like it is however real and not pretty it may sound and a very few others I have found that do the same. I have also read other blogs that speak out against being honest about the hardness of it all for the sake of protecting your child. Now, that we have been three months home I understand both sides. I have judged the blogs that only posted their happiest and most crafty moment with their children. Now I understand that too, those are the moments they want to remember. Who wants to remember the parts that aren’t cute?  Part of me wants to air it all out and just say how it feels and looks and not just post the cute instagram pictures with everyone playing and smiling nicely. But the truth is I am still not sure what I think is right for me. I do feel protective of Kennedy, he is six years old and can read and I’m not sure I would want him to hear that I have had anything but completely positive feelings since bringing him home. And that is not to say that I think other people shouldn’t be sharing their experiences, I am so glad they have because without reading them I would have felt like I was the only one struggling at times.   I am not sure going forward what I will share.  I have found a new blog called a safe place to share (there is a button link to it on the right) that is pure genius to me, people can post about the hard stuff and remain annonymous or share their names but not post it on their own page. I think everyone who adopts has an individual experience and we all handle it a different way but I do love that they have made a place where if you need to share your hard stuff you can and if you just need to read about someone else’s experience so that you know your not the only one you can do that too.

I am not posting this so that you will worry about me or ask me more sincerely how things are going the next time you see me. I am fine, really. well, most of the time There is just a lot that goes into adoption and some things you can be prepared for and some you can’t.  And you just gotta walk it out. With all that being said too, it is all mostly good! Kennedy is amazing and after reading some other really hard stuff people go through we are extremely blessed.

Now that I have typed all that….and for what purpose I am not really sure. Oh well, now I just have to brag on God’s goodness. We go to Beaches Chapel Church in Neptune Beach and honestly, I am so thankful that we do. The true support that we have felt from there is immeasurable. Our Worship Pastor happens to be one of Dave’s best friends, James McDonald, he was my friend first I will say though and still is. Anyway one thing that I truly love about how he leads is that on any given Sunday I know without a doubt that James spent time praying and seeking God about what his song choices will be, and maybe you think that doesn’t matter but I would argue that with you. So many, many times God has spoken or confirmed things in me through a song. Just this week for example we were singing Let faith arise, open my eyes. And God did just that in me, I had been feeling impatient with God and like he just brought us into this but wasn’t helping or leading us in the middle of it, but during worship God showed me how He is at work. He brought into my mind specific examples of what He has been doing in Kennedy, in the other kids and in Dave and I. It immediately strengthened my faith. It also made me realize that I need to pray that God will open my eyes to what He is doing a lot more often so that I am not overlooking his very active hand in my life. He is at work, even if it does not necessarily look or feel like I thought it would or should. I do believe He knows better.

If you are still praying for my family…..THANK YOU!!! Your prayers are being answered because God is at work and we are thankful.

And just because I’m missing my momma and dad….. (they are on a long trip  not dead or anything! just to clarify)

It’s an old one, look how teeny Sadie is! But it’s the only one I could find with both of them. Love those two!!

She is seven years old today. I love her completely. I described each one of the kids in past posts so I’m not going to do that again today. I just wanted to post some of my favorite pictures of her taken recently. She is a beauty, inside and out. And since it is something I feel like I am just learning about her I will post it…She is a worshiper. She has written songs ever since I can remember but the thing I’ve noticed recently is how she focuses in during worship at chapel or at church or at home listening to music. It’s like she  tunes into it quicker than the rest of us. She attends Beaches Chapel School and I do think that worshiping in chapel every morning has strengthened that in her. I’m praying that will always be one of her strengths.

waiting at the doctor. love that face.

kaley & kyah on a field trip at the zoo. so fun having a BF since birth in your class.

monkey bars! so strong!

kaley & logan, another BF since birth. playing with press on nails, they were giggling the whole time!

Kaley at almost 2 years old, it’s my favorite picture of her. Where did the time go?

I bought this bracelet about a month ago and I’m in love with it. It’s a reminder on my wrist that I am redeemed and I think it happens to be pretty cute to boot. I’ve had a lot of ugly emotions and feelings the past few  months. I have run the gamut as far as extremes on whats going on inside me. I have felt the highest highs and some serious lows. Yesterday when I was doing some thinking and praying I looked down at my wrist and thought about what it means to be redeemed. In the online Webster dictionary here are the definitions 1a : to buy back : repurchaseb : to get or win back 2: to free from what distresses or harms: asa : to free from captivity by payment of ransomb : to extricate from or help to overcome something detrimentalc : to release from blame or debt : cleard : to free from the consequences of sin 3: to change for the better : reform 4: repair, restore 5a : to free from a lien by payment of an amount secured therebyb (1) : to remove the obligation of by payment (2) : to exchange for something of value : to make good : fulfill 6a : to atone for : expiate  (1) : to offset the bad effect of (2) : to make worthwhile. The idea that God redeemed us through the death of His son is a very precious thing. To truly realize we have been bought with a price, that my life is not my own, that I am His. Then, not just to realize it or think on it but to live my life as if I believe that to be so. I really need to let that sink in and affect my thoughts, actions and even more so my attitudes and responses, I need that reminder daily. And I love the last definition “to make worthwhile”, because without Him, without his redemption I am nothing or just plain “sucky” and that is just the truth. And the thing is when I talk about living my life as if I realize that, I don’t mean because that is what I “owe” Him, I mean because that is where the freedom is. Galatians 5 is an amazing chapter in the Bible, it’s one I come back to constantly. And it sums this up perfectly. I’ll be reading it daily for a while, I think.

And just so you don’t have to go looking it up, here it is:

GALATIANS 5

New Living Translation (NLT)

While driving home today Kaley says, from the back row of my super rad mini-van, “We’re not a quiet bunch”…..Truer words may have never been spoken. The Szarmack bunch is loud, let it be known! Dear Lord, help me now

Good thing they do happen to be a good looking bunch too!

What a great day! Yesterday we had an Easter party out at my parents house. It was great fun, there was yummy food, great friends and family and an easter egg hunt for the kiddos. Not sure where your feelings lie as far as celebrating Easter with an egg hunt and baskets and the Easter bunny. I have always just tried to play dumb and not care why we do those things and just chalk it up to fun, family traditions but when it takes over the main reason for this holiday it gets harder to ignore. So, this year I tried to be intentional about down playing all the bunny stuff and talk much more about what we believe and the real story of the Resurrection. I didn’t do anything crafty or cute, not because I think those things are wrong but because I am not good at those things and chose not to stress myself out on trying to do them. I didn’t even do anything super spiritual like “Resurrection Eggs”. We just talked about it a lot and read the Bible and then talked some more. And I have to say it has been incredible, and I don’t even mean for the kids, I mean for me. Focusing on Jesus’ death and then his Resurrection has been good for me. As life gets crazier it is so good to remember the constant things in life. Jesus is constant. The way he lived, died and rose again will not change. He came for me and my kids and for you. Thank you, Jesus!

And now for full disclosure, I did do Easter baskets this morning for the kids. And they loved them and overdosed on sugar. Also, Kaley lost a tooth yesterday and I realized I had no cash and Dave was working and gets home after Kaley has already gotten up in the morning. Soooooo, I may have told her last night before bed that since the Easter bunny was coming the tooth fairy couldn’t come on the same night so we would put her tooth under her pillow tomorrow night. Mom -0 Easter Bunny – 1

I cannot believe it is the end of March! I am loving the warmer weather. We’ve done bike rides and played outside until bedtime, it’s the best! We are beach people even though we live farther from it  than we’d like. We are there as often as we can be. My kids just love it and so do Dave and I. Loving the beach is one thing I hoped Kennedy would fall into right away and he has. Even with the water temperature being cold he still is in the water non stop. It’s been a blast so far and it’s making me really look forward to the summer break.

Just a quick update on how things are going….If you are praying, THANK YOU! We continue to see God working in our family and we are grateful. Bonding is happening, fun is being had, relationships are deepening, discipline is being taught, trust is continuing to be built and we are ALL learning a lot. Things are going really well.

Here are some pictures

Chillaxin

Family bike ride over to Uncle Adams

Kaley doing the “Rocking Around the Clock” routine her 1st grade class did at the talent show.

After the beach, the Porters took us to Cruisers to introduce Kennedy to the best cheeseburger at the beach!

This little gem of a bracelet was waiting  for me in my mailbox. LOVE it.

Okay, so I posted this video back in August and don’t think I got a single reaction, comment, nothing. Dave emailed it to me again the other night and told me to watch it again. It had been months since I had seen it last but apparently Dave would watch it from time to time when he was feeling anxious about the adoption and if we were doing the right thing. I never knew he was doing that, but I love knowing what helped him get perspective on what we were doing.  The message in the video is good and hard and truth,atleast that is what it speaks to me. It makes you think. And I want to know what it makes you think. After I posted it and got no response at all It made me wonder maybe the only reason we liked it so much was because it was speaking directly to what we already felt God leading us to do. But I really feel like it can be applied to so many things in the Bible that God clearly cares about but we remain indifferent too because it’s not affecting us first hand. God has been showing me the many things/people/causes that He cares about that I clearly don’t. Dave and I shared our experience in Uganda with the youth group at our church after we got back. One of the things we tried to tell them was that once you know something is going on you can’t act like you don’t know. You do know and so the question is what will you do about it? What will I do about it? That’s what this video says to me. What does it say to you?

Watch the video and then read on….I have more thoughts to share

Maybe my mind is also going in this direction because of the Kony 2012 video. And the response they have gotten after trying hard to do something so good. They aren’t perfect but they are doing something. I think all the backlash towards it comes mostly from people who are challenged with the idea that they should do anything. Because if we are going to be apart of something so far away what would that mean for so many other things. Would we have to get involved in those things too? And people don’t want to. I don’t want to. I like comfort and safety. I like feeling good when I do something as awesome as give the homeless guy i passed on the street a couple bucks. I like my friends and family, I don’t necessarily like needy people or awkward conversations. I like going to my church and listening to a teaching and then leaving and feeling like I checked off that box for the week. I could go on and on with more examples of how sucky I am but there is no need. You get the point. I go through these stages where I am just sick of myself. And maybe part of me thought that after we adopted a child from Africa I would feel like I really did something good and maybe could go back to the comfort of my indifference. But I cannot. I think even more so now I feel like there is more to be done and I want to see it, not look away from it. I am believing God is going to show us as a family how to respond to the things around us and the things far away from us that we need to be apart of doing something about. But we have to be willing to do it when He shows us. That’s the hard part. Thanks for listening to this rant or venting session.